


Coming Together (No Homo)

by coggs



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Alcohol, College Hockey, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-02
Updated: 2014-03-17
Packaged: 2018-01-10 23:27:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1165854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coggs/pseuds/coggs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fortunately for Jonny, TJ has this gay shit on lock.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Coming Together

**Author's Note:**

> This story is 1/3 swearing, 1/3 fighting and 1/3 mocking [every photo](http://puckling.tumblr.com/post/34332892119/queeniegalore-monalisasnmadhatters-jonathan) of Jonathan Toews in college. There's also a secret background 1/3 of Jonny banging his way through the UND sports teams, but mostly this is a story about a very, very ridiculous friendship.
> 
> This wouldn't exist with [four_right_chords](http://archiveofourown.org/users/four_right_chords/pseuds/four_right_chords) who not only edited it, but when I said "I want to write a story where TJ Oshie is Jonny's mentor for gayness" didn't laugh me off the internet.
> 
> Absolutely no attempts to research UND generally and UND hockey in particular were made.

Despite being teammates and roommates, the first time TJ ever sees Jonny try to let loose is at the Welcome to the Team! hockey kegger a week before school starts. He is incredibly bad at it. Jonny generally comes off like a sincere, awkward dork, and TJ had figured that once you got him high and/or drunk he’d relax enough to be fun. But no, he’s basically exactly the same, just slightly harder to understand. TJ knows Jon’s good at hockey and all, but clearly, no one had taught him how to be good at _life_. 

Well. No one until TJ.

"Toews!" he yells, approaching the wall Jonny has glued himself to and throwing an arm around Jonny's awkward neck. "It's time you learned how to _live_."

"Um," Toews says, shifting out of TJ's side-hug. "Thanks?" 

TJ points at him with finger guns. "You, my friend, don't know how welcome you are." Then he saunters back to the rest of the group, dragging Toews behind him. Jonny’s struggling to get out of his grasp the whole time, but TJ just laughs. Jonny’ll learn. 

* * *

A week later, at the Welcome to the Start of the Year! hockey kegger, TJ notices Toews’ eyes wandering away from the incredibly hot girl talking to him and towards a few dudes who keep walking by. Later, two girls promise to make out if two guys from the football team make out first. Half the room is cheering the dudes on and the other half is pretending to be grossed out, but Jonny … he looks sort of uncomfortable, and sort of like a guy trying to hide his boner. 

_Oh_ , TJ thinks, _an awkward_ gay _dork_. And then he grins to himself, because _dude_. He’s going to knock this guy on his fucking ass with friendship. 

* * *

It turns out to be harder than TJ expects to get Jonny to admit he’s into the D. Every time he tries to casually bring it up, Jonny shifts away and glares at TJ. Which, what even, they’re friends. Why is Jonny being weird about this?

Finally TJ decides that if _The Fast and Furious_ can’t solve this problem, really, what can? “So who do you think is hotter, Vin Diesel or Paul Walker?” 

Jonny’s eyebrows shoot up. “Um. What?”

“You know,” TJ says as casually as possible. “Which one would you rather bang?”

Jonny’s eyes narrow. “Isn’t that sort of gay?”

“Maaaaybe,” TJ concedes. “Whatever, guys can be hot, Jesus. Shut up and watch the movie.”

So dropping hints isn’t exactly working, and TJ feels like it’d be weird to just confront Jonny about it. Jonny seems mad uptight about sex shit. TJ decides he has to go extreme, and looks up gay porn on XTube. It’s a brilliant plan. He’ll just, like, turn it on when Jonny gets back from class, Jonny will find it super sexy and hopefully not pop too obvious of a boner, and then TJ can _finally_ help him with all his gay shit. 

Things don’t go according to plan. The turning-on-porn part works well, but Jonny always has to blow up TJ’s scene by being the worst.

“Hey Teej, you want to go - oh god _what are you looking at_?!” And then Jonny actually _covers his eyes_. 

TJ doesn’t know why Jonny insists on asking such dumbshit questions. “Um, gay porn?”

Jonny trips over a chair trying to walk to his bed with his eyes covered, so TJ closes the browser window. “TJ, _why_ are you watching gay porn?!” Jonny takes a deep breath. “Is this your backward-ass way of coming out to me? Because I’ve suspected - ”

TJ has had enough of this shit and cuts him off, yelling, “What? No! I’m not gay, _you’re_ gay.” 

Jonny rolls his eyes. “Nice. Real mature, TJ.”

TJ sputters. “No, I mean you _actually like dudes_. You’re actually gay!” 

Jonny’s mouth literally drops open and his face turns bright red. “Shut up, no I’m not!” 

TJ is ready to throw up his goddamn hands. “You are! You check out dudes all the time! _I’ve seen you!_ ” But Jonny’s looking panicked, and TJ realizes that what he just said sounded both super creepy and sort of threatening. TJ shakes his head and starts over. “Look, dude, it’s cool. My baby cousin is gay and he’s like, the best dude I know. I’ve gotten in so many fights for him, you have no idea. I just wanted you to know that I was cool with it. You seemed like you might - ” TJ stops talking then, because Jonny has sat down on the floor and wrapped his arms around his knees, and he’s staring intently at his shoes. He looks lost. “Dude, what’s up with the face?”

“I ...” Jonny looks like he might cry, _holy shit_. “… No one knows. I thought I hid it better.”

TJ walks over and slides down next to Jonny. “Dude, you hide it super well. I’m just, like, super awesome at gay shit.” 

Jonny laughs weakly. “TJ, I’m not even awesome at gay shit, so there’s no way you are. You’re an embarrassment. Shut up.”

TJ rubs Jonny’s head. “Dude, trust me. I am going to _rock_ your gay shit. I’m the fucking master of gay shit, you don’t even know.” Jonny pushes TJ off of him and mumbles something about “fucking dumbasses” before getting up, grabbing his book, and putting on his headphones, but TJ knows that was Jonny’s way of saying thanks.

* * *

After TJ gets Jonny to admit how much he loves dick, he tricks him into going to GSA meetings. TJ’s been going all year because it makes his mom super happy that he still wants to “support the family.” He went in high school for the same reason. He figures it'd be good for Jonny to be around his people, but he winds up having to bribe Jonny with letting him critique TJ’s face-offs for an entire afternoon, because Jonny hates his people and TJ’s great ideas.

So Jonny goes with him, but he’s obviously scared off his ass. He doesn’t even correct the three people - _three_ \- who say his name wrong, and if that isn't a huge sign of something wrong in Jonnyville then TJ isn't the guy who's known him for two whole months. 

But TJ’s stubborn, and as long as their Wednesdays are free he makes Jonny go. When a month goes by and none of the guys on the team have found out, or even asked where they go after practice, Jonny starts to relax. He even begins talking to non-TJ people at meetings, which TJ sees as a huge win - even if most of his talking is interrupting with bossy comments on how to improve things. 

Jonny's newfound ability to socialize with his fellow gays doesn't seem to make him less nervous about it, though. One day they're sitting in their room studying, and out of nowhere Jonny blurts out, "Do you think people at the club can tell I'm … you know?"

Jonny looks pretty worried, which is the only reason TJ doesn't actually laugh in his face. Instead he walks over to Jonny's chair and sniffs his hair. "Nope, you don't smell gay to me." 

Jonny shoves TJ onto the floor. "Shut up asshole, I'm serious."

TJ flips him off from where he’s landed. "Yeah, I know, but you're not that dumb, come on. You can't actually tell that shit by looking at someone."

Jonny rubs a hand over his neck. "No, I know. But like ... _you_ could tell, and there's this guy in the club who keeps making ... comments."

TJ sits up and sighs. He’s worked hard to keep Jonny from worrying about what people think by making some very pointed glares at people in the club and having a legit, like, heart-to-heart with the president. "Look, I know you're worried, but it's a safe space, bro. That means it’s _safe_. If a guy is asking you questions, he's probably not trying to out you to the school paper. He's probably trying to figure out if he has a shot with you."

Jonny looks surprised. "You think he likes me?"

"I know you're ugly as shit," TJ says in his most generous voice, "but surely you might have considered that someone somewhere might eventually find you hot?"

Jonny's blushing now. "Shut the fuck up, TJ." 

"Make me." And then they're having a slap fight. It ends in a draw, which is what TJ calls it when he wins but doesn’t want Jonny to be all Jonny about it. 

Jonny lets it drop and doesn’t bring it up again until after the meeting Wednesday, when he tells TJ that he has a date with Reilly that weekend. Reilly is a cool dude on the swim team and always talks to TJ about video games, so obviously, TJ totally approves. 

* * *

Jonny’s first walk of shame happens a few days after the date, when he goes over to Reilly’s to “study” and doesn’t come back. TJ spends the night making confetti out of all the printer paper Jonny had brought to college and sticks it in a cup over the door.

The look on Jonny’s face when he enters and the confetti falls all over him and the cup bonks him on the head is one TJ will take to his grave.

“Jonathan Pierre Toews,” TJ says, wagging his finger. “Just where have you been all night?”

“That’s not my middle name,” Jonny grumbles while brushing confetti off his shirt. “That’s not even, like, remotely close to my middle name.”

“Jonathan Maple Leaf Toews,” TJ says more loudly, “did you spend last night with a _boy_?” Jonny blushes, so TJ leans over to high five him. “Did you have a good time? Did he treat you right? Did he whisper sweet nothings in your ear?”

“Shut the fuck up,” Jonny says, throwing the confetti cup at TJ, but he’s smiling the whole time.

* * *

After a few dates with Reilly, Jonny just says “that’s over” when TJ asks, though he and Reilly still seem to be friends. Jonny starts tentatively flirting with other guys in the group, and actually goes out to bars with some of them. At first they basically drag him, but after a few weeks he’s going along happily. TJ tries constantly to get details out of Jonny, but all Jonny does is hit him and ask him pointed questions about girls, which usually shuts TJ up.

Basically, Jonny seems to be having a good time, which is why it’s weird when Reilly spends an entire meeting looking pissed at both TJ and Jonny. TJ pokes Jonny in the ribs as they’re leaving the meeting. “Dude, why did Reilly spend that whole meeting glaring at me?” 

“Uh, probably because he's mad at me?” Jonny says sheepishly.

TJ squints. “Why is Reilly mad at you? I thought shit was good there.”

“Oh, uh, some of us went to a bar last week.” Jonny scratches his neck. “And Reilly saw me making out with his ex?” 

TJ almost busts out laughing, but keeps it in for the sake of Jonny’s dignity. “Oh my god, Jonny, hooking up in front of the guy who took your precious flower? Not cool, bro.”

Jonny shoves him. “Shut up! You’re so gross.” After a moment, he says, “I don't know why he's so pissed. He knows I've been … having fun.” 

TJ raises his eyebrows. “Oh my god, are you a slut now?” 

Jonny blushes and shoulder checks him. “Shut up!”

“You're a total slut, oh my god! Also,” and TJ takes the chance to smack Jonny upside the head, “of course he's pissed. No one wants to see their ex-whatever making out with their ex-boyfriend. Not cool, Toews.”

“I know, I’m not a dumbass,” Jonny hisses. “I just … no one else ever got that mad. I didn’t expect him to.” 

TJ puts a hand over his heart. “ _No one else_? You total hussy, you.” Jonny glares, even though he should obviously be proud of getting it so much. “Anyways, you can be super easy,” Jonny made an indignant noise, “that's totally cool. I have your back. Just try and consider people's feelings more, dumbass. And apologize to Reilly, that guy’s awesome and owns an XBox.”

* * *

The first time Jonny picks up a dude at a party (the Welcome to Midterms! frat party, and the dude looks vaguely like the star of the soccer team but it’s dark), TJ is so proud he could burst. He remembers when Jonny was this shy little gay lamb TJ had to nurture into....sheephood or whatever, and now he's standing on his own four legs, going after this dude like he's clover. 

Admittedly, TJ's pretty drunk when he thinks of that, and it doesn't make a lot of sense. Especially because Jonny's more of a wolf in sheep's clothing, because he is fucking _ruthless_ with this dude. His seduction technique, like everything else he does, seems to be centered around "bossy asshole," but it must work for the guy because the more Jonny bitches the happier he seems. Jonny's got him basically boxed into the wall at one point, and dude's face is just full of awe. 

TJ's a great friend, so when the dude walks off to refill their drinks he catches Jonny's eye from across the room and gives two enthusiastic thumbs up, followed by a "two dicks touching" hand gesture and more thumbs up. Jonny glares, but because TJ actually _is_ a great friend he walks over as the night is wrapping up and tells Jonny their room is his. Then he wanders off before Jonny can thank him to find a couch to pass out on. 

* * *

Jonny’s a lot more relaxed and comfortable now that he’s slutting around so much. He’s started joking with the guys on the team more, and he generally seems less intense. The bad part of his new chillness is that it makes him really sloppy about the whole closet thing, especially when he’s drunk. 

They’re at the Welcome to Winter Break! hockey party and Jonny’s doing a beer bong, for like … ever. He keeps going and going, and everyone is cheering him on. When he finally comes up for air, one of their d-men, Eric, claps him on the back. "Holy shit! Where did you learn to do that, bro?"

"Blowjobs," Jonny says, slurring a little and wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. TJ tries to psychically project a DANGER DANGER warning to Jonny and it must work, because after an awkward pause Jonny adds, "From your mom." And then he punches Eric, and Eric sprays a beer on him, and Jonny’s bitching lets everyone forget about the whole dick-sucking thing.

* * *

First semester was awesome, but both Jonny and TJ are sick of the dorms, so they move in with four other guys from the team next to a house full of five other guys from the team. It’s a little hockeytown by campus and it’s _awesome_. TJ’s grades plummet for the first few weeks as he spends most of his time playing video games and getting high, but then his dad and Jonny both get mad enough that he starts working again.

Plus, he and Jonny have their own rooms, which means he never has to yell at Jonny for the 20 minutes he lets his alarm go off every goddamn day (that shit was destroying their friendship for real), and Jonny feels okay about sometimes sneaking dudes back to his room.

Or at least, TJ figures that’s the case when he wakes up one morning and some guy from the lacrosse team he’s seen with Jonny - Mitch? Mike? - is downstairs making food. Of course Jonny isn’t awake yet, because he’s an asshole, so TJ goes to handle that.

TJ bursts into Jonny’s room yelling, "Babe!" and throws the nearest sock at Jonny’s head. “The bro you brought home last night is making us breakfast."

"Ughhhhh," Jonny groans from beneath his pillow, but TJ isn't going to be deterred. 

“I mean, I think it's breakfast. It involves a lot of ground beef."

Jonny yanks the pillow off his face and gives TJ the super-ultra-mega death eye glare that TJ assumes is intended for Matt? or whatever his name is. 

"I mean, a lot of ground beef, Toewsy. It might actually be meatloaf? But whatever, it's close to breakfast time, so it’s breakfast. Up and at ‘em!” Then he gently slaps Jonny's cheeks a few times and leaves the room before Jonny can successfully grab him. Jonny gives him the double finger instead.

Later, after the most awkward meatloaf breakfast of TJ’s life, Jonny turns to TJ and says “Fucking never again. No guys staying over ever again.” TJ feels like that’s a pretty unlikely and hard to maintain rule, but it had been a _really_ awkward breakfast, so he just nods. 

* * *

At the Welcome to Spring Break! hockey kegger TJ's well on his way to being wasted out of his mind, a handle of rum (he's pretty sure it's rum anyway) all to himself and a totally sweet new hat on his head. Jonny's sitting on the couch like a loser, clearly pretty drunk. He's grinning in that blank, dorky way he only does when he's stopped caring that people can see him. He's with this guy Dave, some dude from the wrestling team who's actually stuck around longer than a week. Jonny even called him his boyfriend, which basically blew TJ’s mind. 

Jonny's relaxed and happy, his arm casually draped over Dave. TJ can tell Jonny’s smug as hell about it, but no one else has even noticed. Probably because there’s about three people in the room and one of them is definitely passed out, but whatever. It’s a big step for TJ’s boy. 

He wants to high five him, so he saunters over to do that. 

The couch (okay, TJ) is sort of unsteady, so he ends up leaning half on it, half on Dave. 

"Dude!" he yells at Jonny, gesturing with his handle. "Get it, bro!" He lifts his hand for a high five which Jonny rolls his eyes at and gives him anyway, grinning like the happy drunk moron he is right now. 

“Sup Teej?" he asks in this high and mighty tone, like TJ’s the only wasted one here. 

"Jeets," TJ says more softly. "Don't play that. Don't try to make me look bad in front of Dave."

He grins at Dave, who grins back and then, oh, Dave’s tightening the grip of his hand. Which is on TJ’s thigh. TJ realizes how up in their space he is, but whatever. It’s a small couch. And everything is cool right now, because Jonny is happy and TJ is happy for him. 

"I'm glad you’re happy, man," he leans over to tell Jonny. "It makes me happy too."

Jonny is blushing, because he's always super embarrassed when TJ is nice to him. Which, whatever. Get over that shit already. 

Dave is stroking his hand up TJ's thigh now. TJ thinks that’s a little weird, but like, some dudes are handsy when they’re drunk. If that’s the vibe of the room, TJ is going to go with it. He reaches over to ruffle Jonny’s stupid hair. “Go Jonny go,” TJ sings while shaking his rum handle in Jonny’s face. “Go Jonny go and get me a beer.”

Jonny shoves him. “You already have a drink, asshole.” 

TJ shoves Jonny back, and Dave’s hand is somehow even closer to his dick now. “I know I do, but I’m tired of rum. Get me a beer.” TJ’s only whining a little, and when Jonny glares he adds, “Because Canada is such a great country and Canadians love helping people.” 

It works, because Jonny’s pushing off the couch. “You owe me big time, you dick,” he yells over his shoulder. 

“I love you too!” TJ yells back. Then he frowns. Even though Jonny has gotten up and there’s room on the couch, Dave’s hand is still, like, really close to his dick.

TJ takes the lead to make shit more friendly by basically falling into where Jonny was sitting. He points at Dave. “Dave, tell me about you. What are your dreams?”

Dave grins. Somehow his hand is back on TJ’s thigh. “How about I show you my dreams?” he says, and before TJ can finish nodding, Dave’s tongue in his mouth.

TJ pushes him off. “The fuck, dude?!” Dave just grins and leans over again, so TJ actually rolls himself onto the floor. “No, seriously, the fuck is your problem? I’m not going to help you cheat, Jonny is - ” He doesn’t get to finish, because Dave puts his hand on TJ’s shoulder to cut him off. 

“Not cheat,” Dave says, shaking his head. “I want you _with_ us.” And wow, TJ is way too drunk for this kind of crazy.

“Dude!” he yells. “One, I’m straight. Two, you’re _with_ Jonny, who’s my _friend_. Three, straight! That’s … no.”

Dave shrugs like none of that shit matters. “Like ‘straight’ - ” and he does the fucking quotes, Jesus - “means shit to you guys when you’re getting your dicks sucked. And Jonny totally wants this, trust me.”

TJ can’t seem to stop shaking his head. “Dude, I’m pretty sure I would know if Jonny liked me.” 

Dave leans into TJ’s space. “He’s _so_ into you. I see how he looks at you. And - ” now he’s right next to TJ’s face - “I know what Jonny looks like when he wants someone’s dick.” It’s the legit creepiest thing TJ has ever heard. Jesus, Jonny’s taste is awful. 

TJ rolls away some more. “Fuck you. Jonny is way too awesome for your ass.” Dave looks like he’s about to respond, but then Jonny comes back with TJ’s beer and is shoving it in TJ’s hands. 

“Here’s your beer, nutsack.” He goes to the couch and sits, shoving Dave over with his enormous ass. 

“Thanks bro,” TJ says, and really means it. Jonny is a thousand times better than Dave. Jonny brings him _beer_. “I’m gonna head out back, though.”

“You fuck, I just brought you a beer and now you’re leaving? Stay!” 

Dave is nodding next to Jonny. “Yeah dude, stay.” 

TJ shudders. “No, no, I wanna get some air. And dance. And I told Smitty I would find him, so - ” TJ jerks his thumb in the direction of anywhere else and hightails it the fuck out of there.

* * *

TJ hates how early his stupid body wakes him the next morning, but if he has to be awake and hung over, he might as well get the conversation with Jonny over with. Thank god Jonny’s “no dudes staying over” thing actually seems to have worked - TJ doesn’t think he could stomach seeing Dave right now. He walks into Jonny’s room and kicks the bed frame. 

“Wazzit?” Jonny probably says. Dude’s hard to understand at the best of times, and right now his face is in a pillow.

“Your new dude is a dick, JT,” TJ says, sitting down on the bed. “You should dump him.”

Jonny’s awake enough to turn to face TJ and mumble out, “It’s too early for this, baby.” TJ sort of feels bad, because Jonny hates morning on the best of days, but TJ’ll be fucked if this conversation doesn’t end as fast as possible. He picks up the other pillow and smacks Jonny on the shoulders with it.

Jonny turns and whacks TJ with his own pillow. “Fine, Jesus, I’m up! What’s so awful about Dave that you couldn’t tell me about it at a _normal fucking hour_?”

TJ cringes. He hates that he has to tell Jonny his boyfriend is a douche, and he hates that Jonny’s boyfriend _is_ a douche. He also really doesn’t want to tell Jonny about the kissing, because honestly, he’s a little worried about what Jonny might do. Dave’s an ass, but probably shouldn’t die in a ditch in Manitoba. He goes for the middle ground. “When you left the room he told me you’re, like, in love with me.”

Jonny shoots up in his bed. “What?! That asshole! That’s _disgusting_!” 

“Hey!” TJ yells, but then Jonny starts picking at his comforter and stammering, “You know that’s not … I mean, I don’t - ”

TJ rolls his eyes. “Dude, calm down, I know it’s a lie. That’s why it’s a shitty thing to say to me. I’m not, like, worried.” Jonny breathes a sigh a relief. “I’m mean, I’m pissed you think I’m _disgusting_ , I’ll have you know I’m a total catch, all the ladies - ” Jonny cuts him off by hitting him with a pillow again.

The ensuing wrestling match is totally worth the bruises TJ gets, especially because after Jonny dumps Dave he buys TJ apology waffles. 

* * *

Jonny’s at the table pretending to study by having a book open and looking at it intently when TJ walks up and steals the hat off his head. 

“I’m getting a tattoo,” TJ announces. “You’re driving me.” 

Jonny leans back in his chair and grabs at his hat. “No I’m not. I’m studying.”

“No you’re not,” TJ says happily. 

Jonny doesn’t even put up a fight. “No I’m not, but that doesn’t mean I want to drive your ass to the tattoo parlor either.”

TJ wraps his arms around Jonny’s chair. “Come onnnnnn. It’ll be fun! It’ll probably hurt, and you love watching me get hurt.” Jonny shrugs and TJ knows he’s winning. 

“What tattoo are you getting anyway?” Jonny asks. 

TJ walks to the counter and grabs the keys. “You, my good friend, have to come with me to find out.”

TJ had booked an appointment the week before, so they’re expecting him, but he still has to sign a bunch of forms and pay and stuff while Jonny sits and looks at the flash on the walls with a super judgemental expression. Then they’re in the back and TJ’s pulling off his shirt and Melissa, the artist, is pulling out the drawing they discussed last week. TJ gives it the thumbs up and lies back on the chair.

Jonny gapes at the drawing as Melissa starts the stencil. “Your tattoo is two hockey sticks. Crossed. Over your heart.” 

TJ nods with all the enthusiasm his sweet tattoo deserves. He knew Jonny would hate it. “Yup!”

Jonny shakes his head. “That is the dumbest fucking tattoo I have ever heard of.” 

Melissa snorts a little laugh, so TJ says mockingly, “But Jonny, the two sticks represent _our love_!” Melissa raises her eyebrows. Jonny won’t hit TJ in front of strangers, so he just glares and mouths _“you’re a dead man”_ at him.

The rest of the appointment goes pretty much like that, and by the end TJ isn’t sure if they’re the most entertaining or most annoying customers Melissa has ever had. Probably both, but she still recommends a post-tattoo smoothie place to them on their way out. As they’re pulling into the strip mall, which contains smoothies _and_ check cashing, TJ decides it’s time to bring up something that’s been on his mind for awhile. 

“JT, you know the guys we live with or the guys on the team ... I mean, not all of them, but you know most of them won’t care if you like dick, right?”

Jonny stops the car and makes a face, the way he does every time TJ calls him JT. “I know that.”

“Okay,” TJ prompts. “So why don’t you tell any of them?” 

Jonny stops the car and leans on the wheel. “It’s going to sound bad,” he says, but TJ shrugs because he really doesn’t care. Jonny sighs again.

“It’s just … I mean, I know it was okay with you because you _forced it out of me_. But I know you also get it because you’re going to make it to the NHL too. You get that there’s, like ... privacy that I don’t get to have.” 

TJ nods, because it’s true, and also because that’s not nearly as bad a thought as Jonny was making it seem. Then Jonny continues. “And like, you also get that there’s some shit I just don’t get to have, period.”

TJ frowns. “The fuck, dude? You can have all the shit!”

Jonny shakes his head. “You know what I mean. I won’t be able to … I can dick around now, fine. But whenever I go to the show I won’t be able to do this shit.” 

TJ knows this on, like, a brain-level, but it still sucks to hear. “Yeah, I mean,” TJ makes a helpless gesture with his hands. “I get it, but it _sucks_. You’re Jonathan Bootylicious Toews. You should get whatever the fuck you want.”

Jonny smacks TJ’s hat off his head. “Oh my god, I was going to buy your smoothie, but nevermind now, you _ass_ ,” and _slams_ the door in fake rage on his way out of the car. 

TJ gets out and yells, “I think you mean _your_ ass!” right as Jonny opens the door to the store.

“It’s okay,” TJ says to him at the counter. “I’m already drafted and am going to be super famous and make more money than you. I can pay for this so you don’t die of poverty stuck in the minors.” This time, he’s able to duck Jonny’s hit.

* * *

It’s the Welcome to Summer! hockey party and TJ is so, so drunk. Everyone is drunk. Jonny’s so drunk TJ caught him making out with a dude in an _actual closet_ , which had made TJ laugh until Jonny punched him in the stomach. That was totally un-buddies. 

But then Jonny refilled TJ’s cup with some jungle juice as an apology, and TJ is super drunk, so he’s just going to sit on a chair for awhile and chill. That’s an excellent idea, because TJ had it and his ideas are always excellent. Jonny passes by on his way back from the keg, and TJ whines, “Jonny, come sit with me,” because that is also an excellent idea. 

Jonny just frowns. “Teej, there aren’t any other seats.”

“So whatever,” TJ slurs out. “Come sit on my lap, it’s cool.” Jonny freezes and that’s dumb, because TJ’s lap is hella comfortable. “Jonny, it’s so cool. It’s the coolest. Don’t be dumb, sit on my lap.”

Jonny is actually the best bro ever, because he pissily walks over and sits on TJ’s lap. TJ rewards him with a big smile, because Jonny is awesome. ‘You’re so awesome,” he manages to tell Jonny while pushing down the brim of Jonny’s hat. “You’re my best bro. You’re so great. I’m sad it’s summer and someday you’ll play for a shitty team without me.”

Jonny shoves him, but then admits, “Yeah, it sucks. But we’ll talk over the summer, come on.”

TJ nods. “I know, I know, but like … I’m just glad you’re here and you’re my boy.” He pushes his head onto Jonny’s shoulder.

Jonny pushes him right off. “Oh my god, you’re so fucking embarrassing, Jesus.” But TJ doesn’t care what Jonny says. He knows Jonny loves it, so he pushes his head right back onto Jonny’s shoulder. This time Jonny lets it stay.

They sit like that for a while, just drinking and shooting the shit with people in the room, when Jonny’s closet hook-up bro walks by. He does a double-take at them and then storms out. TJ starts laughing again, and Jonny elbows him in the stomach. 

“Shut up, you asshole.”

“Pffft,” TJ says, still laughing. “Whatever, that’s hilarious and awesome. And like, look at you! With the - ” He jerks off two air dicks with his hands before Jonny hits him again. “I totally fucking rocked that shit, I told you.”

“Yeah, Leif,” Jonny says, reaching over to grab TJ’s drink. “You did okay.”


	2. At The Gay Bar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TJ’s brilliant gay bar plan was hatched the night before he told Jonny about it, when he was bored and stumbled on a rerun of _Will and Grace_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am supposed to be working on serious stories with feelings, but this was more fun. Thanks to [four_right_chords](http://archiveofourown.org/users/four_right_chords/pseuds/four_right_chords) for not murdering me because of the above and also editing.
> 
> While I refuse to research actual hockey, every single Minneapolis thing in this story is real and deeply missed by me. 
> 
> I have a [tumblr](http://thecoggs.tumblr.com/) now. Come say hi!

"I don't like this plan," Jonny says while laying on TJ's bed. "This plan sucks."

TJ sighs. "This plan is for you. Of course you hate it." 

Jonny shrugs petulantly. "I hate it because it's dumb. North Dakota has gay bars." 

TJ rolls his eyes. "You mean Moorhead has _a_ gay bar." 

Jonny just sighs the way he always does when TJ is right and swings his legs off the bed. "I don't get why we're going to Minneapolis when Canada's closer," he whines. "Canada has gay bars."

"You're right," TJ says cheerfully. "Let’s drive to over the border to Manitoba. I bet _Winnipeg_ has gay bars. Do you want to be seen in any of them?" Jonny glares. "Exactly," TJ says, and then pokes him. "Go get dressed. Try to look hot and not like a farmer!"

* * *

The drive to Minneapolis is a little long, but it gives Jonny and TJ plenty of time to get in fights over the radio and gossip about their teammates. Most of the team had gone to Mexico for spring break, but TJ has family shit and Jonny has a seething hatred of beaches that TJ has yet to figure out, so they both stayed behind. TJ’s brilliant gay bar plan was hatched the night before he told Jonny about it, when he was bored and stumbled on a rerun of _Will and Grace_. It took less time to research the best places to go than to convince Jonny that it was worth doing.

“I just don’t see why we need to drive all this distance,” he’s currently whining. 

TJ slaps Jonny’s thigh. “Uh, to get you laid?” 

Jonny shrugs nonchalantly. “I get laid plenty. This just seems like a chore.”

TJ turns to look at him. “Did you ever consider that eventually you’re going to run out of dudes on sports teams to bang?”

Jonny gives one of his deep frowns. “...No?” he says slowly. 

TJ sighs and turns back to the highway. “I just think it would do you good to fuck someone who wears a jockstrap for sexy purposes _only_.” 

TJ catches Jonny giving him a considering look out of the corner of his eye. “Okay Teej,” he finally says. “Sounds great.”

* * *

Technically they’re crashing with TJ’s friend Henry, who lives just off the University of Minnesota campus, but he’s out for the night by the time they get there with a note that they should all meet up later. Fortunately his roommate Ben is super chill, and insists that they all pregame before Jonny and TJ head out. Jonny starts to loosen up by the third shot, and by the time they’re on the light rail, he’s downright goofy. 

Drunk Jonny also means handsy Jonny. Despite miles of room in the car, he’s slinging his arm over TJ’s shoulder and pushing on TJ’s head to better lean it into his.

“You’re not the worst person,” Jonny says, right into TJ’s ear. “I’m glad if anyone knows it’s you.” TJ shoves Jonny off him, but drapes his own arm over Jonny anyway.

* * *

They start at The Eagle, where the doorman gives them a funny look before they go inside. TJ doesn’t know _what_ that’s about. 

For the first half hour, everything is pretty normal: TJ is grabbing drinks and dancing a bit while Jonny’s standing in the middle of the dance floor, barely moving and bitching about how they never play country at clubs. But then some guy starts talking to him, so TJ heads over to the bar to do some shots.

The bar was pretty dead when they got in, but it’s picked up since then, and TJ bumps into at least three guys trying to get to the bar before accidentally spilling his beer on a fourth. 

“Oh man,” TJ says. “I’m so fucking sorry.” He makes to go wipe the beer off with a napkin when he realizes that the guy is only wearing a leather harness, chaps, and a hat. Most of the beer just got on his not un-hairy chest and nipple rings.

“Fuck,” TJ says with feeling. “Sorry to make you sticky.” 

The guy laughs and waves him off. “It’s fine. What were you going to get?” 

TJ shrugs. “A shot?” 

The guy nods. “Want to do a tequila shot with me? I’m Bruce.” There’s not room to shake hands, so he just bumps TJ in the shoulder instead. 

“TJ,” TJ says with a bump back. “And hell yeah Bruce!”

Some minutes later ,TJ is trying to demonstrate to Bruce that he can, despite all appearances, totally drop it like it’s hot, when Jonny comes over and grabs him.

“Can we bail?” Jonny asks, giving Bruce the once over.

“For sure,” TJ says, because this is Jonny’s night to get what he wants. “Are you not having a good time?” 

Jonny tilts his head. “No, it’s just … not my scene? Exactly?” And then TJ looks around and notices that the bar is now almost entirely full of guys who look like Bruce, and very few people who look like him or Jonny.

“Yeah,” Bruce says from behind TJ, making him jump. “I was wondering when you’d realize it was leather night.” 

Jonny looks mildly horrified, but TJ just laughs. “Alright JT, let’s pack it in.” He turns to Bruce. “It’s been a pleasure, my man,” and he reaches out to give him a fist bump. 

Bruce laughs and gives him a sweaty, sweaty hug instead. “You’re a sweetheart, kid,” he says. “Stay safe.” TJ nods and lets Jonny take his hand and pull him out the door.

* * *

Once outside, TJ lets Jonny be quiet for a bit before asking, “Do you want to make a detour to sit on a [giant dick](http://s3-media4.ak.yelpcdn.com/bphoto/Ju-d0PQXB6AnrzxLx5Y8bg/l.jpg)?”

Jonny gives him a shove. TJ promptly loses his balance and crashes into a wall. “What the fuck, Teej?” Jonny yells, while TJ rubs his poor battered arm. 

“Not like that, _asshole_ ,” TJ yells back. “There’s a place called Sex World that has a giant golden dong you can sit on.”

“Oh my god,” Jonny says, rubbing his eyes. “Why would you ever think I’d want to do that?”

“The mistaken belief I have that you’re fun sometimes instead of a huge Canadian lamer!” TJ yells. 

“I’m lots of fun,” Jonny insists. “I don’t need to be super into dicks to be fun!”

TJ tries not to laugh out loud for about five seconds before falling over onto the ground, he’s laughing so hard. It takes him long enough to catch his breath that he’s worried Jonny has walked off, but Jonny’s just standing there, laughing to himself and shaking his head before reaching a hand down to help TJ up.

* * *

The next bar is The Gay 90s, and it’s perfect. It’s _huge_ , for starters, and has a bunch of different rooms to dance in, plus an entire floor dedicated to drag shows.

“This is the best bar ever!” TJ yells in Jonny’s ear when he goes to get them drinks. ‘I’m never leaving, you can’t make me!”

Jonny acts like he doesn’t believe it, but the bar is so great that he even deigns to dance with TJ for a little while. Once TJ gets sweaty, he heads up to one of the drag rooms to cool off, and Jonny follows. All the seats are taken, so they lean against a machine in the back. 

“Holy shit,” TJ says, when it’s between performers and he can finally see what he and Jonny are leaning against. “It’s a crane game!’

“Hooray,” says Jonny sarcastically. 

“Rude!” TJ huffs out. “I’m awesome at crane ga - oh my god it’s sex toys!” 

“What,” Jonny says, pointedly refusing to look at TJ. 

TJ pokes him repeatedly. “Jonny, the prizes are sex toys! Look!”

Jonny looks. “Not all of them.” He points at something. “That’s lube, for example.”

TJ groans. “Dude, whatever, it’s all sex stuff. This is great!” Jonny rolls his eyes and heads over to the dance floor. “You need to loosen up, Jonny,” TJ yells after him. “I’m going to win you a dildo!” 

Jonny flips him off. 

It turns out getting a dildo out of a crane machine is a lot harder than all the stuffed toys TJ won back in the day. He’s already down $5 when a girl leans against the machine and raises her eyebrows when he grunts. “What are you doing?” she asks.

“Oh, just trying to win a dildo for my friend.” TJ replies, before his prize slips out of the crane’s grip _again_. The girl laughs. “TJ,” TJ says, sticking out his hand. 

“Emily,” the girl says. “I’m not shaking that, you’re sweaty as fuck.”

TJ shrugs. “Gotta dance sometimes, you know?” 

She nods. “You here for the drag show and the great games, or … ?” 

TJ shakes his head, “Here for a buddy.”

“Where is he?” she asks, moving a little closer. 

“He’s … ” TJ turns around to see Jonny leaning against the wall and staring like a total creeper at a dude who’s talking to a drag queen. TJ waves his hand. “You know, around. Doing something fun, getting all the boys.”

“Cool,” Emily says. “So which dildo are you trying to get?” 

TJ points at the hot pink one that is also enormous. 

“Excellent.” Emily nods. “Let me help.”

Half an hour later, TJ’s talking to Emily about her O Chem class when Jonny comes over, the guy who was talking to the drag queen trailing behind him. Jonny grabs TJ’s arm.

“We’re leaving,” he says, and starts to pull. 

TJ stays planted. “We are?”

“Yes,” Jonny says, and jerks his head towards the dude. “Tyler says the dancing is way better at The Saloon.” Tyler gives TJ a little wave. 

TJ would love to stay, but this is Jonny’s time. “Emily,” he says with a nod. “It’s been a pleasure. Jonny, here is your dildo.” 

Jonny lets TJ hand him the dildo, and then looks at it like TJ just shat in his hand. 

“Fine,” TJ says, grabbing it out of his hand. “I’ll keep it for later,” and shoves it in the pocket of his pants. Jonny starts walking off with Tyler, so TJ turns to Emily and takes off his hat. “Emily, it’s been real. You have my number, if you’re ever in N-Dak.” 

Emily laughs and kisses him on the cheek.

“TJ!” Jonny yells from the front, making “hurry it up” hand gestures. TJ heads over.

* * *

They’re only in The Saloon - which does in fact have more dancing, including go-go boys in cages dancing for dollars - for about fifteen minutes before Jonny ditches Tyler, and TJ decides he needs more drinks. He’s deep in discussion with the bartender about the superiority of Guinness over IPAs when Jonny comes by and taps him on the shoulder.

“I’m going to head out,” he says.

“With Tyler?” TJ’s asking most out of curiosity, because he’d be amazed if that dude was still interested. 

Jonny shakes his head. “No, with…” The shirtless, pantsless go-go boy that TJ had missed standing behind Jonny sticks out his hand. 

“Chad. He’s going to head out with Chad.” 

TJ shakes it while Jonny goes, “Yeah, with Chad.”

“I don’t know, dude,” TJ says, scratching his head. “You don’t know how to get back to Henry’s, you’ve been drinking, and your phone might die.” TJ doesn’t want to be a cockblock, but if Jonny is murdered, he will definitely also be murdered by their coach.

“I can give you my number,” Chad offers, reaching over and taking TJ’s phone. His jockstrap is full of one dollar bills, and TJ idly wonders how many of those are Jonny’s. 

Chad hands the phone back. “Thanks, man,” TJ says, before offering a fistbump. Jonny groans, but Chad gives him a huge smile and bumps him right back.

“Okay Jonny,” TJ says. “I want you to meet me in front of that huge Macy’s after the bars close, ok?” 

Jonny rolls his eyes, but Chad nods very seriously before grabbing Jonny’s hand and dragging him away.

“Steve,” TJ says to the bartender, “I’ve just been ditched. Make me a lemon drop, I’m going to dance.”

* * *

After last call, TJ heads to Macy’s, outside of which is a Mary Tyler Moore statue. "Sup girl?" TJ asks, before whipping out his phone to play Bejeweled. Jonny shows up fifteen minutes later, when TJ hasn’t kept playing but _has_ perfected his hat toss. "Check it out!" he yells, before throwing his hat up, spinning, and catching it perfectly.

Jonny stares. "I don't want to hear it," TJ says, jabbing him. "You were late. Homegirl and I had a moment." 

Jonny eyes the statue. "Can we go now?" he asks, whining like a guy who didn't just ditch his buddy to get laid. 

TJ shoves him. "Yeah, we can go, Henry wants us to meet him at some diner." 

Jonny nods, and they start walking towards the light rail, TJ humming, "I'm going to make it after all".

* * *

"TJ," Jonny hisses when they've stepped inside the diner. "This diner is _vegan_." 

TJ shakes his head. "Nah, vegetarian _and_ vegan. There's cheese. And eggs." 

Jonny continues to look horrified all the way through ordering, and just stares at his food when it arrives. TJ nudges him. “Not going to eat?”

“Is this even food?” Jonny asks, poking his tempeh. 

TJ laughs. “Dude, you got _eggs_. And spinach. And hash browns. And yea, tempeh too, but c’mon. Quit being a princess and eat.” 

Jonny kicks him under the table but eats everything except the tempeh, which TJ happily steals.

They sleep at Henry’s until early afternoon, when he insists on taking them for burgers before they hit the road. TJ graciously lets Jonny control the radio once they’re on the way back to Grand Forks, which ends up with them listening to _A Prairie Home Companion_ for thirty minutes because Jonny loves annoying TJ more than listening to shit he understands. After that and a titty twist, TJ takes control of the radio and the drive is relatively quiet. Mostly because Jonny ends up napping.

TJ shakes him awake when they hit campus. “Out of my car, asshole, we’re home.” Jonny wakes up the way he always does - slowly and pissed off - while TJ gathers all their trash to take inside. 

Jonny clears his throat, but looks at the dashboard when TJ looks at him. “Um. This was fun. Thanks, Teej.”

TJ turns back and raises his eyebrows. “Yeah? You had a good time abandoning me and getting your dick sucked? I’m so surprised.”

Jonny kicks him. “Shut up, you know what I mean. That was … it was good. We should do it again.” 

TJ nods. “Definitely. Can do.”

Jonny hops out of the car and starts to head inside before turning around. “But next time, we can do it without the vegan shit, right?” 

TJ throws the pink dildo at his head.


	3. Arrested

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The worst part about getting arrested for drinking is that they didn't drink enough before it happened.

The worst part about getting arrested for drinking is that they didn't drink enough before it happened, so they're sitting in the processing area of the county jail in Bumfuck, North Dakota, and Jonny's not even drunk enough to be relaxed. Plus the chairs are incredibly uncomfortable.

"TJ," he says, head in his hands, hoodie pulled over his head, in the most miserable voice TJ has ever heard. "TJ, this is awful."

TJ nods because, well, he can’t really add anything to that. Shit is awful. He is himself trying very hard not to cry, mostly by sitting and doing some steady breathing shit his mom taught him. Which is why he’s pretty surprised when, a few minutes later, Jonny pokes him in the stomach and hisses, "How can you be so fucking calm?"

TJ glares at Jonny. He’s _not_ calm, he’s just not the ball of tension Jonny is. "Because there’s fuck-all we can do, bro," he hisses back. "At least not right now. They caught us, so we just have to, like, wait and see."

Jonny buries his face in his hands again and lets out a long groan. "Fuck, we’re going to go to prison! And then what?" Jonny turns to face TJ suddenly, eyes extra crazy. "TJ," he says frantically, " _there’s no hockey in prison_." 

If TJ was a better person, he probably wouldn’t have laughed right then.

* * *

The thing is, the cops are obviously just making them sweat, because there’s nothing else going on at the station. TJ figures this is their way of "teaching them a lesson," but all it’s teaching TJ is valuable new skills in the realm of "helping Jonny calm the fuck down." He’s been mumbling to himself for the last little while, and TJ’s just been occasionally bumping their shoulders together. But then Jonny blurts out, "I'm the good kid!" and TJ basically loses it.

"Dude!" he yells. "You don't think my parents are going to be super pissed? _Really_? On top of the _arrest_ part, you know how my dad feels about, like, stereotypes and shit."

"Oh shit," Jonny says, wide eyed. "Do you think people are going to be shits because - ?"

TJ shakes his head. "Nah, not really. But I know my dad. He'll make the worst disappointed face ever and tell me he expected more, and then send me articles that I'll have to read so I can stop feeling guilty. It's going to suck."

"Yeah," Jonny nods, and then adds, "David is going to give me so much shit for this. He'll never let me hear the end of it."

TJ's only met David a few times and he mostly seems like a good dude - not the kind of guy who will give his brother shit about his arrest. Well. Not right away, anyway. Frankly, Dan is the one who's way more likely to bring it up too soon and piss Jonny off, but TJ keeps that to himself. Jonny’s trying. 

TJ slings an arm around Jonny, and it’s a sign of how freaked Jonny is that he just lets him. "Dude, we're first offenders and college athletes and it's _North Dakota_. Our parents are going to flip their shit, but we're only going to get a slap on the wrist." Jonny just nods, but he lets TJ spend the rest of their wait talking bullshit.

* * *

An hour later, when all the papers have been processed and they have received both a stern lecture and a sentencing date, they're walking out of the building as free men. 

"Well," TJ says, looking at the stars. "That sucked."

Jonny still looks pretty shaken up. And it's not like TJ isn't freaking out himself, but taking care of Jonny's freakout helped focus him and calm him down. "Yeah," Jonny says miserably. "That was the worst."

TJ slaps him on the back. "It was fucking awful. So you know what we should do? We should drive to Minnesota."

After banging his way through most of the dick-loving dudes at UND, Jonny's spent the last month and a half having this epic crush on/ _thing_ with this guy Brandon he met at a game against Bemidji State. Normally TJ spends half of their alone time giving Jonny shit about it, but while TJ and Jonny are close, they’re not always great at talking about shit. And TJ could use some back-up in keeping Jonny from losing his mind over this arrest. Plus, TJ figures that if getting his dick sucked and being able to yell about TJ/American drinking laws/his ruined future to someone won’t cheer Jonny up, nothing will. 

Jonny, as usual, is being a big baby about TJ’s plans. "Teej, no, I'm really tired. Let's go home."

TJ pokes Jonny and shakes his head. "Nope, that's lame. If we go home people are gonna want to _talk_ to us about this. Let's go to Bemidji and you can see your boo." 

TJ figures he’s got Jonny with the whole "get out of discussing this with people" part, but Jonny just looks concerned. "What if he doesn't want to see me? What if he hates surprises? _I_ hate surprises, so - " 

TJ gay-raised Jonny to be more confident than this, what the fuck? The arrest must have really messed with him. "Babe, if he's not thrilled to see you, then fuck it. We'll just, like, go to a diner and pee on the border or something." Jonny grins, so TJ adds, "The border _of Canada_ ," just to see Jonny scowl at him. "C'mon gimme the keys, you can nap on the way there." 

Jonny considers the keys in his hand for a moment and then tosses them to TJ. He's asleep about five minutes after they hit the road, which TJ takes as a sign that he can now blast his music as loud as he wants without Jonny complaining. Jonny sleeps like the dead. 

Brandon is, of course, thrilled to see Jonny because he's not a dumbass, so TJ is happy to bounce and give them some alone time. He even refrains from making dick jokes so he doesn’t embarrass Jonny. After dropping Jonny off at the dorms, he checks their schedules and sees that they have at least another day they can take off. On a whim, he pulls up the directions to Warroad on his phone and then texts Jonny that they’ll head back tomorrow. TJ is going to go see the fam. 


	4. Finding Dates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Why didn’t you tell me about this sex app?!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on [tumblr](http://thecoggs.tumblr.com/) and like all of this, edited by [four_right_chords](http://archiveofourown.org/users/four_right_chords/pseuds/four_right_chords) and helped along by [electrumqueen](http://archiveofourown.org/users/electrumqueen/pseuds/electrumqueen)

TJ and Jonny pretty much only text or email these days, so the fact that TJ is actually calling Jonny is a bad sign. Usually a sign that Jonny is about to receive something unexpected and horrible in the mail, but TJ’s still his friend, so he picks up. “What’s up, buddy?” 

"Why didn’t you tell me about this sex app?!" is how TJ says hello, because he was born in a barn. "This shit is awesome, and you _kept it from me_.”

Jonny starts massaging his temples. “Do you even listen to the words that come out of your mouth? You sound fucking ridiculous, what the fuck are you even talking about, sex app - ” and then the pin drops. “TJ,” Jonny says as slowly and clearly as possible. “Are you talking about Grindr?”

"Yup," TJ says with a happy hum, which he only does when he’s being the biggest dick. "I’ve been on it all morning, it’s nuts. So many dudes wanna suck your dick."

Jonny blinks rapidly, trying to process that. “Want _my_  … ? TJ, are you using Grindr as me?! With _my face_?”

"… No," TJ replies, and that asshole is so lucky he’s too far away for Jonny to strangle. 

"TJ," Jonny starts, but TJ cuts him off. 

"No, seriously, I wouldn’t use a face photo. I’m not a fucking moron, Jesus."

Jonny breathes a sigh of relief . “Oh thank God - ” 

But TJ is still talking. “I’m just using some of your ass shots, calm down.”

Jonny is going to check him _so fucking hard_  the next game. “Why the fuck do you have ass shots of me?!”

TJ breathes out slowly, like _Jonny_  is the annoying one here. “JT, you’re being a dick to someone who is doing a _nice thing_  for you. And I only had, like, one of my own, I got the rest from google. Maybe wear pants sometime, you slut.”

Jonny decides to let the last part go and just ask, “How on earth is this being nice to me?!”

"Because you need to get laid! And this can help." 

It’s damn shame TJ isn’t there to strangle _and_ see the eyeroll Jonny gives that. “I don’t - I’ve _never_  - needed your help to get laid, Teej. Like, ever ever.”

"Pffft, maybe not in college, but you’re telling me you’re still able to go out like you’d like to now? Come on."

It’s an annoyingly good insight into Jonny’s sex life post-Stanley Cup, and he’s torn between being touched that TJ thinks about this shit, and even more annoyed that shit like this is what he chooses to do with those thoughts. “Look, it’s a nice thought, Teej, but aside from the assumption I’d even want a Grindr hook-up, it matches you based on your location. And you’re hundreds of miles away from me, buddy.”

"Oh," is all TJ says, because he never thinks of that shit. There’s a pause and Jonny can imagine the disappointed look on TJ’s face. He _loves_  the disappointed look on TJ’s face when it means he’s won something. 

"Well, that’s okay! I’ll just use it next time we’re in Chi-town for a game. Okay gotta go bro, kisses!" and he’s hung up before Jonny has a chance to yell more. 

Jonny will die before he tells TJ that he downloads Grindr a week later, but the knowing smirk TJ gives him during warm-ups the next game makes Jonny think he’s already guessed.


	5. Olympic Bros

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written well before the actual Olympic roommates were announced and, you know, let's pretend this all goes down after the Russia victory. Also originally posted on [tumblr](http://thecoggs.tumblr.com/) and edited by [four_right_chords](http://archiveofourown.org/users/four_right_chords/pseuds/four_right_chords) and [electrumqueen](http://archiveofourown.org/users/electrumqueen/pseuds/electrumqueen).

Jonny knew TJ was rooming with Kaner at the Olympics because TJ had texted him "rooming with ya boy!" followed by five emoticon thumbs up when they had found out. Kaner had spent the last month trying to get Jonny to tell him the worst things about TJ "other than the obvious.”

Since the Olympics actually meant a lot of downtime, Jonny had prepared himself to be bitched at by both of them about how horrible the other one was to live with. Historically, there was nothing TJ and Kaner loved more than complaining about their roommates to Jonny, especially when their roommate _was_  Jonny.

What he wasn't expecting was for TJ to call his room the third day after they arrived in Sochi and sound _happy_. 

"Bro!" TJ yells into the phone. He sounds sloppy drunk. "Your boy is awesome! He's so great!"

" _You're_  great!” Jonny hears Pat yell in the background. " _You're_  the awesomest!" TJ must have turned away from the phone because Jonny hears him yelling "No, _you_!" in the distance. 

"Bro," TJ says solemnly when he's back on the line, "you pay for international data on your cell, right? Because Canada?"

"Boo Canada!" Jonny hears Kaner yell before TJ hisses, "Dude, Pat! We're trying to get a favor."

Jonny starts doing a neck rub the team masseur had specifically taught him to deal with Patrick Kane-induced stress. "Jesus fucking Christ, are you both drunk?"

" _Dude_ ," TJ says in his most judgmental tone. "It's the _Olympics_."

"Wooo Olympics!" Pat cheers in the background. 

"Yeah, but - " Jonny starts. 

"But nothing, do you have roaming or not?"

Jonny does, actually. "I do. Why? Do you need to call and check in about the baby?"

"Pfffft," TJ says, _actually making a raspberry_. "The baby is solid and that's what Skype is for. No, we need you to Google something for us. On your phone."

"Can't you just use the same computer you Skyped on?"

"Jeets," TJ says, and Jonny can _hear_  Patrick laughing at that, "we are not men who are good typers at the best of times, and these? Are not the best of times."

"Olympics, wooooo!" Pat is yelling. Again. 

Jonny is beginning to wonder if giving him a stress headache is a strategy Team USA has adopted. "Fine, Teej. What the hell do you want me to Google?"

"Awesome!" TJ says, and then there's the sound of a high five. "Can you look up tattoo parlors?"

Jonny has pulled out his laptop and is ready to go, but - " _Tattoo_  parlors?!" 

"Yeah, Big K and I have an idea for an awesome tat we want to get to celebrate our collective awesomeness."

"Woooo!" Kaner yells. 

The stress headache is _definitely_  a strategy. "You've been friends _three days_. You would barely talk to each other off ice before. Now you want to get matching tattoos?"

"Three of the _best_  days!" TJ yells happily. "And you always told us to talk more, and we did, and you were right! You love being right!"

"Yay Tazer!" Kaner cheers. Jonny has never hated being right more. 

"Even if you guys weren’t too wasted to get tattoos right now - "

"It's Russia!" TJ interrupts. "I guaran-fucking-tee you they won't care."

"That's just it!" Jonny explodes. "They _won't care_! We're right by fucking Chechnya, you asshole! There are _warships_  for us. You can't just walk into the nearest hepatitis den and get a tattoo! Just wait until we're back in the fucking States!"

TJ huffs. "But Jonny," he says, sounding totally scandalized, "these are _Olympic_  tattoos. We have to get then during the _Olympics_ "

Kaner starts chanting "USA! USA! USA!" in the background, and that's it, that's Jonny's breaking point. He hangs up the phone and leaves the room so he can ignore any further calls. 

Five hours later he gets a text from TJ. 

_lady kess helped us out because u suk :''( check out sick new ink bet ur sorry u missed out #america_   


A second later he gets a photo from TJ. The tattoo doesn't look diseased _yet_ , but it is definitely the Olympic Rings. On TJ's lower back. With the words TEAM USA 2014 beneath them. 

_please tell me kaner didn't also get a tramp stamp_ , Jonny texts back. 

TJ texts him back a minute later. _ull find out soon enough !!! #usa #canadasux_

Jonny thinks it's really unfair that TJ and Kaner are the ones making the terrible choices and he's the person stuck feeling all the horror and regret.

**Author's Note:**

> I am [doing more](http://thecoggs.tumblr.com/tagged/Coming-Together). Just on Tumblr for now. It might become a thing here? I make no promises.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic of] Olympic Bros](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1546562) by [exmanhater](https://archiveofourown.org/users/exmanhater/pseuds/exmanhater)




End file.
